The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
