i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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