my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
