ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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