Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She bit a glass in half.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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