Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
