3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
