I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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