Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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