Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
