Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i want to swaddle you in tequila
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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