I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
