I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
