first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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