batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
