my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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