In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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