Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize