i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
