fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
