Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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