I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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