apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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