The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
