Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
