you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
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she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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