you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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