I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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