Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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