He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
it's like heaven, but drunker
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
