Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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