If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
