I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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