i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
