The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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