if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I got her a Nickelback box set.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
