i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
