im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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