i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
