just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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