If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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