Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
