Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
