You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
