You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
