his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
