When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
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