dude i'm inner monologue high
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
