If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
