if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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