yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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