pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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