im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
