I CAN MOONWALK!
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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