I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dignity is for republicans.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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