god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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